Dead Dreams
Coasting through life leads... where exactly?
Josephine is a girl that must be in her 20-somethings—like me—who loves overthinking—like me—and most notably loves diving deep into and reflecting on existential topics related to the meaning of life—like me.
She’s a Youtuber I came across a few weeks ago whose videos I couldn’t get out of my head. On a walk home from NACEX (kind of like a FedEx but in Spain), I was listening to one of her videos on Spotify. My mood was a bit disappointed because my new pole dance boots that I was super excited about weren’t there, although I got an email saying they had arrived, directing me to pick it up in-person at the branch.
I accepted it, cancelling the “open pole” date I had planned with them for tomorrow in case they didn’t arrive by then. I continued listening to Josephine talk to me about a topic that has plagued my reality since 2016, although perhaps it may not seem like it to people looking at my life on the outside.
The episode is called “The Postponed Self, Fear of Failure, and Letting Life Pass.” Her question in the description of the video is the thesis question of this point in my life’s research project: Why do so many of us feel stuck between who we are and who we could become?
I recommend watching or listening to the video for yourself, as she does an eloquent job at explaining the philosophy behind it. My biggest takeaway though is that the more we stay in preparing-mode, coasting through our lives without much effort (aka procrastination-mode most of the time), the less meaning we are ready to create in our lives and the less responsibility we are ready to take over our actions. This lack of decision-making leads us to let other energies choose our path for us. The easiest next step according to social norms dictates our next decision. Common examples of this include, but are not limited to:
Going into a “practical,” “stable,” or “lucrative” industry instead of following creative dreams because of the voices saying they’re “not realistic.”
Marrying toxic people because “it’s time” or society tells you you’re getting too old.
Having children after getting married because it’s “the thing to do” or to “make things interesting” in a relationship, not because you actually want to—or are ready to—take care of a child. (This one I find the most detrimental to society.)
Although I find myself living outside of conventional societal norms in some ways, I still hold fears of stepping outside my comfort zone creatively and professionally. For years, I’ve been holding onto certain dreams that I haven’t decided on dedicating myself fully to yet. I’m in a constant phase of preparation that feels infinite. I’m also in a constant phase of ideation. I’m always writing things down and visualizing in deep detail, but manifestation isn’t magic. You have to actually make the decisions that align with your dreams for the Universe to meet you there.
The crazy part is, I know this. I have manifested many things in my life—moving to Spain, living in Barcelona, a partner that meets my standards—and I know how the Universe reacts when I’m making the decisions that align with what I want, but I still struggle to take action on more daring ideas. No matter how much validation I get from the world around me about my capacity to do whatever I dream of, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to be seen failing.
My friend told me about an app he wants to create, adding “I want to fail a few times though,” at the end of his proposal. I didn’t expect to hear that, but it was inspiring. I loved his unconditional acceptance and even outward desire to fall. It’s because he knows he’ll get back up.
While I acknowledge and even talk about the importance of failure with others, it’s incredibly hard for me to accept, which reveals itself in my procrastination to become who I want to be. It feels like I have a lot of inner work to do before making the decisions that help me reach the full potential I constantly visualize in my journals. But at the same time, the rhetoric for “more inner work” may be another way of not accepting responsibility, not making decisions, not letting the true self embody its creativity and trust in the outcome.
The podcast finished almost arriving at my apartment. I pondered listening to it from the beginning in the five minutes left of my walk, but decided to shuffle my Liked songs on Spotify instead. I’ve had too many similar experiences for me to not take this combination of events as a sign. The first song that played is called “Dead Dreams” by Sarcastic Sounds.
If anything is human, it’s failure. It’s letting go of the ego attached to a mask. It’s the vulnerability in knowing you haven’t done something “right,” and the responsibility you take in finding a solution. It’s the persistence, trying again and again and again until it’s finally yours, until you’re finally who you want to be.
Too many people have succeeded at making their dreams come true for us to be exceptions.
With peace, love, and compassion,
Tea <3